Don't hesitate!
(on joy and its ephemeral quality)
Violet and my good night ritual, which is lengthy these days. We repeat phrases back and forth. Good night. Bonne nuit. Buenas noches. Te amo. I love you. Je t’aime. Then I love you several more times. Feliz Navidad (just for laughs). We might add a few more. It’s an excessive routine. A love in. Which always reminds me of my best friend growing up whose mom refused to say “I love you” regularly because she said the phrase would get worn out and not mean as much.
Last night Violet was reading me facts from National Geographic Kids (“Some monkeys in Thailand teach their young to floss”) and I found myself half listening and more desperately praying that she would have joy. So much joy. And continue loving facts from National Geographic I guess?
And then promptly I found myself in bed reading an article in the New York Times about how teenagers are incorporating more choking into their sex (boys choking girls to be precise). What?! A worry I hadn’t even considered as a mother of a teenage girl. The writer was comparing this trend to concussions in sports and how it took a while for research to come out about how dangerous they were for athletes. Similarly, research is showing the same thing for sex and choking…it’s bad for the brain and teenagers need to be educated.
Moment of joy sullied.
Joy is fleeting. Joy lands like a delicate bubble that can be burst with a breath, a thought, a fact.
My flight attendant on the way to Seoul who is NOT feeling joyful. Let’s call him Sad Bruce. Sad Bruce viscerally sighs every time he has to move the cart another inch, resisting every action that is precisely his job. When someone asks him for tea, Sad Bruce makes the most pained face. Delightfully pained if we are considering him as part of a sketch comedy routine. He seems disappointed that someone would actually want the tea he’s offering (but not really offering—read the room!) and cause all that disturbance to him. Hot liquid that he has to pour? Unbelievable humanity.
Meanwhile, I have 67000 emails in my inbox that I am working to eliminate. You think your life is hard, Sad Bruce?
This!
Don’t Hesitate by Mary Oliver
If you suddenly and unexpectedly feel joy, don’t hesitate. Give in to it. There are plenty of lives and whole towns destroyed or about to be. We are not wise, and not very often kind. And much can never be redeemed. Still, life has some possibility left. Perhaps this is its way of fighting back, that sometimes something happens better than all the riches or power in the world. It could be anything, but very likely you notice it in the instant when love begins. Anyway, that’s often the case. Anyway, whatever it is, don’t be afraid of its plenty. Joy is not made to be a crumb.
Rebecca- Thanks for sharing these. I particularly enjoyed this sentence: "Joy lands like a delicate bubble that can be burst with a breath, a thought, a fact." Of the three that can burst joy, something about "a thought" really spoke to me---especially its uncontrollable nature. A great write-up.
Thanks!! Yeah, it’s the thoughts that get me most of the time.